NEW YORK—Hitting the headlines last week was the "New York City Waterfalls," a group of four giant art installations, a la the flapping orange gates of Central Park, set to go up from July to October of this year.
These 90- to 120-foot-tall waterfalls, made of scaffolding and water pumps, will create tourist-attracting spectacles at various spots of the City's waterways—including one near the Brooklyn Bridge and another on Governor's Island.
What the headlines didn't say was that there were, until just recently, a number of serious art installation contenders also being considered by the Public Art Fund. The contenders were strangely pulled at the last moment after the various artists presenting them drowned—or became violently soaked.
Waterfalls artist Olafur Eliasson claims to have no knowledge of his waterfall machine's lethal capabilities and the NYPD is currently investigating any connection.
Before the scaffolding goes up and the (life-crushing) water starts pouring, readers and members of the Public Art Fund are urged to reconsider some of the proposed installations that didn't fly, or float:
The New York City Fancy Fish Fry
While Eliasson's Waterfalls would protect fish and aquatic life by filtering the water through intake pools suspended in the river, the Fancy Fish Fry would actually suck the fish and various aquatic creatures out of the water, immediately cleaning them, de-boning them, battering them, and deep-frying them.
A small staff on the fish-shaped floating structure would serve them to passing New Yorkers on their lunch breaks with their choice of spicy mustard, ketchup, tar-tar sauce, or mayo.
The New York City Green Thing
The Green Thing would literally (not really) paint New York City green. The streets, the buildings, some people, and the trunks of trees would all turn the trendiest color in the world—Green. What better color? Green is the color of money, the color of environmental frenzy, the color of St. Patrick's Day, and to a lesser extent the color of envy.
The ringer on this one is that the Green Thing is by far the cheapest and, incidentally, the most environmentally friendly of all the proposed art installations, even the Waterfalls, which will run on "green power"–electricity generated from renewable resources. The Green Thing needs no power and relies only on green-tinted glasses, themselves made of biodegradable plastic that dissolves in water.
The New York City Headshots
The Headshots would feature 7-foot-tall freestanding and originally painted pictures of popular New York scenes with some of the faces cut out so that viewers can stick their heads in and take pictures.
A German tourist could shake hands with Mayor Michael Bloomberg, an undocumented immigrant could pose as a New York City police officer, or a toddler could be one of the Rockettes.
Unlike the Waterfalls that would only be in four-locations, Headshots would be all over the City. (Tiny cameras hidden in nearby locations would take all the pictures, which would then be available for online purchase.)
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